The Truths that are Hard to Share... {Our Family's Story of Adoption}

**Today, while the paint drys on the stairs and the handyman cuts trim... a few wayward thoughts on life in this home, rather than the home in our lives.

"There are so many loud voices in our lives that draw us away from God's gentle whisper... When we quiet our souls before Him and close off those outside sounds, we can once again hear His words, and be led by Him in goodness and truth."

-Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson (Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe)

Perhaps it was the first word in the title, or the word hope, that had me quickly downloading these pages to my eReader. It quickly became No. 1 on my summer reading list. I even raced out to Target and splurged on a shiny, new, pink journal to jot down quotes, and scripture, and heartbreaks, and achievements. 

You see, we're so close to turning one-year-old as a God-made family of four - September 27 is our family's birthday and I'll never forget it - and ever since the beginning of this journey I looked forward to that milestone and now I can taste it. 

But it doesn't taste as sweet as I had dreamed and idealized... because the reality is adoption is beautiful, but it is so complex. The layers go on for days and I've hardly scratched the surface. We've experienced some of these complications with more on their way, like hundreds of curve balls and I'm not even good at baseball to begin with. 

Mothering these nearly-adopted children has been this incredible privilege, that I feel completely undeserving of, and also completely ill equipped for that most days I wake up with this desperate feeling... 

I can't do this. 

Like Jen Hatmaker I wonder.. "Will they resent us? Will they blame us one day? Will they twist away from us with unresolved grief? Will they be healthy? Did we do the right thing? We've compounded this losses and it feels muddier now than it did on Day One. We are not getting this right, and it matters so much that we get this right."

So desperation naturally followed and it feels like the days are getting harder, rather than more settling as I anticipate approaching our first year. 

Most days I feel like a hot mess, too ugly to be seen.

But in the process, I'm learning a lot about mothering adopted children. I feel God's inspiration as we write our own textbook for our family. Redefining "family" in the way that God has made us and sees us, rather than fit our family in a generic store bought box because the reality is we would never fit. I've already exhausted my muscles trying to make us fit until I finally gave up, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. 

We are so different and we may never be normal, but who wants to be ordinary and normal anyway? And I won't be like any other mom, no matter how hard I try. I have my strengths and my weaknesses and these days I'm trying to capitalize on all those gifts He's given me. 

All the while, trying desperately to listen to His voice so that I can become a not-so-desperate-mama of not-so-desperate-kiddies. 

It's been nearly impossible for me to share our story. Confused, ashamed, and alone most days, feeling I would never get this right. And there's the truth right there, I'm completely human, prone to fail and be outright messy. 

We're teaching our children about second chances and grace and an unconditionally loving God, all the while so grateful for these things in my life. 

And grateful that because of their adoption into our family, they can know this too.