When you Feel Downright Crazy... {Life / Adoption}

Every so often, when that guard of mine is down, the feeling comes on strong... seriously, what were we thinking? 

How did we get here? 

I'm ordering slices of pizza and oatmeal cookies on hot lunch forms, making lunches and being sure to omit any peanut something, picking up hardened gum from under the couch, and reminding a little one to put his shoes on the right feet (nearly every time).

Some days it's messy, and confusing, and trying, and I'm wondering what caused us to catapult ourselves to this place. Bypassing all those years we could have had, just the two of us. The vacations we could have taken, the snoozing on weekends we could have enjoyed, the extra money in the bank, and oh, the nights out together and with friends... 

But instead, we went and entered a whole different story. 

And some days, when this mama, who looks nothing like those little ones, walks into the room she feels it down in her gut.. yes, we're the wildly crazy ones.

If we could rewind this life, would I do it all again? Would I still go with that pressing on my heart to reach out to the orphan in my city? Would I press back, and resist such a call, because who am I? Inexperienced, and young, and it would all be so silly to entertain such a thing. I've never even felt a kick in my womb, and the pains of child birth, and responded to their hungry cry in the night, so who am I to raise them from here? 

I ask her at the dinner table, over chicken fingers, ketchup and fries, how she knows she loved. What clue have we given her that she is loved to the core for exactly who she is. And she scrunches her face, leaning back in thought... and I wonder how deep this thought will be... because her brother just says that his mama is pretty, and this is how he knows he's loved. And while it's not the answer I was looking for, I'm wonderfully flattered by my 4-year-old.

And then it shocks me, as if my heart had stopped and the paddles are bringing me to life : you never leave us at home alone, she says.

And I'm not sure where this comes from, the neglect she may have felt, the emptiness she's experienced... I wish I could read her heart... but all those thoughts of what I've missed, and what we could have done, you know.. just the two of us.. each selfish thought is exposed as terribly shallow. That I could forget the depth of all this. That my own story writing is so small, superficial, and mediocre, but His story is big, it's deep and profound, and full of grace and glory.

To think, I nearly risked selecting my own story. Nearly settling for mundane mediocrity, confusing it for better. 

And that youngest, he agrees the next day, mama you never leave us. And it becomes over and over less about us, more about them, and more about Him. And He's letting us be apart of this redeeming story.

So, are we crazy? Absolutely.

We're out of our minds, wildly willing, completely silly and awkward, and stumbling. Imperfect, and spent, and tired, and messy. But the glorious thing is -- God's plan, His story is absolutely breathtaking and beautiful. We could never have written such a thing as this.

*

Our "Adoption Journey" has just become our journey now, where adoption is apart of it, but doesn't define us. But if you'd like to go back and visit our wild ride, here are other posts that may interest you :

Our Adoption Timeline {all the significant dates..}

When it Becomes Forever {a conversation I hope I never forget}

Our Adoption Day and My Letter to You {including many photos from the court room!}

Are You Able to have Your Own Children? {the question we get.. I didn't realize we could arouse such curiosity}

And if you're really ambitious there's more here, here, and here.

Also, this sermon {January 3, Matthew Eckert} deeply reminded me that God's story, the bigger story, is the one worth entering into. I humbly recommend a listen..